Have your mornings turned into hostage negotiations? Explore what’s driving school avoidance and how you can take simple next steps to change “my child hates school” into a new narrative.
My Child Hates School
What is School Avoidance?
You say “my child hates school” and we get it. But it’s really called school avoidance or school refusal. So what parents mean when they share: “my child hates school” is that their child struggles to go to school or stay at school. It’s important to include stay at school because if you’re making daily trips to the school to pick up your child and take them home before the end of the school day, it’s the same pattern as if they never went.
It can show up in kids who are bright, social, and seem fine “in theory.” It’s not about skipping school for fun. That’s a whole other post! With school avoidance, your child doesn’t hide the fact that they hate school. They verbalize their refusal and you internalize: “My child hates school.” You recognize that they’re in distress. The question becomes what to do?
Let’s start with the recognition that every child is unique. However, when analyzed collectively, there are some reoccurring phrases that children utter that point to school avoidance:
- “It’s so boring—I already know everything.”
- “I miss you.”
- “I’m scared to get in trouble.”
Let’s dissect each one without turning this into a lecture:
- “It’s boring.” That can be a cover up, because boredom sounds better than “I feel out of control,” or “I’m overwhelmed.” Your child may be trying to verbalize that they don’t like how school makes them feel about themselves.
- “I miss you.” While that’s sweet and can point to separation anxiety, (which is an entirely different issue) the phrase can also mean that you’re their safe place and at home, they don’t feel behind everyone else.
- “I’m scared to get in trouble.” That one screams fear of failure, which can become an issue. Think of this fear as the nervous system treating mistakes like danger. Your child may be twisting the emotion into a fear that you will stop loving them child if they make a mistake? While this sounds extreme, remember, this is from the child’s perspective and their frontal cortex (logic) isn’t developed.
Earlier in this post, we mentioned that staying in school the entire day is a critical element to determine if your child suffers from school avoidance. Some kids go to school, but spend huge chunks of the day in the nurse’s office. Often they’ll be sent home early because let’s face it, in today’s litigious society, what school nurse is going to take the risk of not taking a child’s pain seriously? Schools will always err on the side of caution.
The 5 Most Common Reasons for School Avoidance
In general, there are 5 areas that cause school avoidance. Each one is a framework to help you uncover the underlying cause so that it can be addressed.
- Academic struggles that feel like a battle for survival (reading, writing, math.)
- Peer stress (teasing, awkward social interactions, friendship drama)
- Transitions and uncertainty (new teacher, new grade, new building, new routines)
- Anxiety that shows up in the body with real sensations (headaches, stomachaches, nausea)
- Fear of failure
These drivers can overlap and most school avoidance isn’t due to one thing!
Let’s explore academic struggles. If your child is a struggling reader, school can feel like being asked to perform on a stage, in a language they don’t fully speak, while everyone else is fluent. Because it’s hard, they get very good at avoiding the situation which only aggravates everything.
With older kids, “my child hates school” (school avoidance) looks slightly different. There is much less crying and a lot more shutting down. You’ll hear “I’m not going” and “You can’t make me.” first of all, it’s important to recognize that teenagers are still children. [If we use pre-frontal cortex development then they’re children up until age 25.] It goes without saying that children need compassion and respect. However, they also need boundaries and a plan. As Thomas Jefferson said: “We hold these truths to be self-evident.” While I don’t think he was referring to children and school avoidance, you get the point.
"You Can't Make Me"
How To Stop School Avoidance?
Okay so now that everyone is completely depressed…let’s talk about what you can do. We have to start somewhere so let’s start with baby step. Outlined below is a 3-part plan for the next seven days. Remember baby steps.
Step 1: Separate “Can’t” from “Won’t”
Instead of asking, “Why are you doing this?” switch to “I’m noticing mornings are really hard for you. Are you feeling like you can’t handle something?” They don’t need to answer. This is about having them recognize the situation.
Step 2: Create a Morning Script
You want to avoid negotiation that will result in them staying home. Your child will sense the smallest opening and seize it. Having a mental script ensures you remain gentle but firm. Say: “I understand you’re having a hard time AND we’re going to keep moving. Let me help you.” If you are dealing with a teenager you’ll need to step up your game. Offer choices around the non-negotiable of attending school. This might sound like:
- “Do you want to start with first period or second period?”
- “Do you want me to walk in with you or wait in the car?”
- “Do you want to email the counselor or do you want me to?”
Let me share an analogy that I use all the time. Teenagers are like half-baked muffins. They look ready on the outside, but in fact they’re still half-baked in the center. Remember they need boundaries.
Step 3: Remove Accidental Rewards for Staying Home
This is delicate, because you don’t want to punish a kid for anxiety. Rather, you’re not going to let avoidance become the solution. When your child stays home, think boredom. In bed, no reading, no electronics, no tv. NO Fun! Another thing to consider is the amount of sleep your child is getting. A school-aged child (6-12 years old) needs 9-12 hours a night. A teenager (13-18 years old) needs 8-10 hours. In the past week, ask yourself how much sleep did your child get?
Partner With the School
The only way that you are going to conquer school avoidance is by having everyone on the same page. That include all parents, teachers, administrators and anyone else involved with your child.
Arrange for a school meeting. That may involve their teacher, their counselor, the principal, the nurse. Cast a wide net. Discuss the situation that you are seeing at home and inquire about what the teachers are seeing at school. Try to assess the root cause (or causes) and brainstorm a plan of attack. This may include avoiding automatic pickup from the nurse’s office unless there’s a clear medical reason.
For families with struggling readers, have the plan include reading supports. Remember, just try harder is not a plan. Explore a wide range of options in order to find the right one for your family. Some families consider homeschooling as a possible option. There are many options and through careful deliberation, you can find the right one for your family.
When To Get Outside Help for School Avoidance
If school refusal is happening for days, weeks, or you’re seeing a pattern of nurse visits, partial days, escalating panic, you’ll want to reach out for help. Consider finding a counselor, a therapist or explore Tapping for kids. It’s a tad unconventional but it really works quickly to reduce anxiety.
If you’re not quite sure what the situation is, the good news is that it’s much easier to keep track of how many days your child has missed school to determine if “my child hates school” is turning into school avoidance. Almost a decade ago, schools started tracking absenteeism differently. Under the new system each student’s attendance is recorded and chronic absenteeism happens when a student misses more than 10% of days in a school calendar. This translates to approximately 18 days per year or 2-3 days per month.
Remember, you do not have to solve this by yourself. Avoiding school has become your child’s coping mechanism for underlying issues which can be due to anxiety, to bullying or other factors. It’s okay to seek expert advice or attend a parent master class on school avoidance.
Summary
If you’re living the “my child hates school” reality, remember:
- School avoidance is a signal that something is going on.
- School refusal gives short-term relief but fails as a long-term solution.
- Your job isn’t to force happiness. Your job is to build a bridge back to functioning, one small plank at a time.
This week, pick one thing to do:
- Craft a morning script
- Create a boring-at-home plan
- Email the school to start a support plan
You’re not powerless and your child is not stuck.
If your child is a struggling reader and school has become a daily battle, it’s never too late to become a stronger reader. I’ve seen high schoolers who were convinced they were bad at school, start to feel capable again. When reading becomes less painful, school becomes less terrifying. Contact me to discuss your needs using this link here
